Sarah Palin has reportedly been stuck for several hours after licking a frozen flagpole outside a rally in Des Moines, Iowa this morning.

According to witnesses on the scene, the former Alaska governor traced the pole with her tongue “to see what would happen”. Her tongue quickly froze to the metal, and has been cemented ever since. ... Read More →

 

bet-logo-pink-transparentbackgroundJust one day after Spanish-language television network acquired a controlling stake in The Onion for $200 million, another satirical website mega-deal has been announced.

Following weeks of hard-fought negotiations, Black Entertainment Television (BET) has reportedly agreed to purchase a 70% stake in The Daily Currant for $300.... Read More →

 

A man who miraculously woke up from a 27-year coma last week has committed suicide after learning that real estate billionaire Donald Trump leads the 2016 presidential race.

Nicholas Vedder, 56, had been in a coma since 1988 following an automobile accident in his hometown of Albany, NY. ... Read More →

 

150616121401-donald-trump-cnn-full-169Donald Trump promised voters in Iowa this morning that if nominated he will serve the flesh of Muslims as appetizers during the Republican national convention.

In a speech at Northeastern Iowa State University, the real-estate mogul once again pushed the boundaries of political discourse with his outrageous plan - which he says will help combat terrorism.... Read More →

 

softballstrightA college softball player from the University of Texas shocked the sports world today by coming out as a heterosexual.

In an emotional press conference this morning, Jennifer Ryan, 23, announced that she was a “proud member” of the opposite-sex community. The senior shortstop is believed to be the first and only openly straight women’s softball player in the history of NCAA athletics.... Read More →

 

A new study released today shows that global climate change may melt American pop icon Cher within five years.

According to the analysis, published in the prestigious journal Nature, higher temperatures near Cher’s home in Southern California will likely melt materials used in her numerous plastic surgeries, turning her into what scientists describe as a “puddle”. ... Read More →

 

netanyahu-dinosaursIsraeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu claimed today that Palestinians were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs.

In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper this morning, the hardline conservative leader was asked to defend his recent comments, in which he claimed Palestinians were responsible for the Holocaust.... Read More →

 

america-celebrates-fourth-dayMillions of people across the United States took to the streets yesterday to celebrate the fourth consecutive day without a deadly school shooting in America.

The astounding streak started last Thursday when a gunman entered Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon and killed nine people before committing suicide. Amazingly, four entire days have now passed without another school shooting taking place. ... Read More →

 

trump-rosie-payDon't worry America, Donald Trump has a plan to fight obesity.

During a campaign stop in North Dakota this morning, a reporter from local WNOT-TV News pressed the Republican frontrunner on his plans for fighting America's growing weight problem.... Read More →

 

hillaryHillary Clinton has developed a sudden appetite for reforming America's correctional system.

Amidst speculation that she herself could face jail time over the growing email scandal engulfing her candidacy, the former Secretary of State announced today a series of "vital and urgent" proposals to improve conditions in federal women's prisons.... Read More →

 

kim-davis-ascends-heavenThe Kentucky county clerk recently jailed for refusing to issue gay marriage licences ascended into heaven this morning.

According to local reports, Davis was about to begin a press conference in her hometown of Morehead when a beam of light from the sky appeared and whisked her into Paradise.... Read More →

 

goodellNFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today a $1.25 million bounty on any player who can take out Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s knees, resulting in an injury lasting at least four weeks.

During the final press conference before the National Football League 2015 season, Goodell explained the bounty had become necessary after a federal judge overturned Brady's suspension for ‘Deflate-gate’.... Read More →