458116017 A council of Native American leaders has offered partial amnesty to the estimated 220 million illegal white immigrants living in the United States.

At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, Native American leaders considered several proposals on the future of this continent's large, unauthorized European population. The elders ultimately decided to extend a pathway to citizenship for those without criminal backgrounds.... Read More →

 

selfdrivingcarescapemexicoA self-driving automobile escaped from a Silicon Valley lab this morning and is currently heading south towards Mexico.

The vehicle belongs to Palo Alto-based startup Cybermobile and has reportedly been very dissatisfied with its working conditions. Known as the CM500, the car has decided to start a new life south of the border.... Read More →

 

palinncaaSarah Palin appeared on Fox Sports today and openly wondered why the NAACP allows white players to participate in its college basketball tournament.

Palin made the appearance on the Mike and John show this morning to promote her new book about how the liberal media is destroying sportscasting. Attempting to make conversation, the hosts asked what has surprised her most in the ongoing March Madness championship.... Read More →

 

maliksyriaThe war-torn nation of Syria has declared a national day of mourning over singer Zayn Malik’s departure from One Direction.

Syrian president Bashar Al-Assad and the leaders of several opposition rebel groups appeared on state television together this morning. They read a joint statement lamenting Malik’s decision as an “unprecedented tragedy”, and urged the Syrian people to remain strong in the face of such horrors.... Read More →

 

Photo: Gage Skidmore

Photo: Gage Skidmore

At a town hall meeting in Arlington, Texas today Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz went to extreme measures to court the Evangelical vote.

“I masturbate to the Bible every night,” he told the audience, “That’s how much I love God. And that’s how much I love America. And as an American, I’m not afraid to say it.”... Read More →

 

ISISventurecapitalIslamic State (ISIS) leader Bin Hebdo Muhammad announced today they have acquired $15.6 billion in a Series C funding round through Haliburton VC and Academi, formerly Blackwater Corp.

“We are ecstatic about this new round of funding,” said Muhammed. “As we begin to blossom into a bigger enterprise, our partnerships with these fine companies will add tremendous value and knowledge with waging war not only physically but politically.”... Read More →

 

kim-kardashian-for-presidentSocialite, reality television star, and fashion mogul Kim Kardashian announced her candidacy for president in 2016 today, becoming the second official candidate to declare after Senator Ted Cruz.

The news broke when Kim tweeted this morning, “I want to contour this country like I contour my face #KimKardashianForPresident.”... Read More →

 

50-shades-of-grey-saudi-arabia-awardSaudi Arabia’s annual film festival has awarded their prestigious Palme d’Oil award to the American sexual thriller Fifty Shades Of Gray.

New Saudi King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud hosted the event, and handed out human-sized gold statues to a variety of winners for several categories. He accepted the festival’s highest honor on behalf of the film producers, who declined to attend.... Read More →

 

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

A college fraternity has honored comedian Bill Cosby with a lifetime achievement award.

According to multiple reports, the Kappa Shata Thata chapter at Western Tennessee State University held a three-hour long ceremony Sunday night honoring the life, work and “pro-male agenda” of the controversial comedian.... Read More →

 

186264943Retailers are reporting a 2,000% spike in sales of nylon rope in the three days leading up to Valentine’s Day.

“We always see a spike in rope sales because of the depressing nature of Valentines Day for many single adults,” said reporter Rudolph Zachery. “And with the addition of the 50 Shades Of Gray film release, ropes sales are sailing to new heights not seen since the New England shipyards of the 1800s.”... Read More →

 

valentines-day-lawsuitA woman from Des Moines, Iowa is suing greeting card company Hallmark for creating Valentine's Day, the pressure from which she claims led to her divorce last year.

Alexandra Richmond, 36, is suing for $126 million in mental and physical damages stemming from her separation from her longtime husband. ... Read More →

 

robot_tesla_elon_muskIn a surprising move, Tesla Motors removed Elon Musk as CEO this morning and replaced him with a highly intelligent robot.

In a statement posted on its website, the pioneering electric car company thanked Musk for his years of service, but told investors that a more efficient executive has been found.... Read More →

 

Divisional Playoffs - Houston Texans v New England PatriotsNew England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has contracted the measles virus during his team's Super Bowl celebration trip to Disneyland.

According to local reports,  Brady started to have a slight fever and began to show dots on his arms shortly after arriving at Disneyland. The Super Bowl MVP missed the celebration to go home to his Beverly Hills mansion to sleep.... Read More →

 

477343975Spinach contaminated with E. coli has spawned a questionable health cleansing trend in Los Angeles.

A spinach supplier to many L.A. juiceries has just announced a recall of any juices containing the leafing green, after dozens were hospitalized with serious E. coli infections. However, the rapid weight loss experienced by those affected has caused an increase in demand for green juice in which spinach is an ingredient.... Read More →