alabama_legalizes_weed_white_people_guyThe state of Alabama passed a law today legalizing weed for white people.

In a ceremony today at the capitol building in Montgomery, Gov. Robert Bentley signed the Responsible Marijuana Access Act (RMAA). The law would legalize the recreational use of marijuana for white people, while continuing to criminalize its use for blacks. ... Read More →

 

458116017 A council of Native American leaders has offered partial amnesty to the estimated 220 million illegal white immigrants living in the United States.

At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, Native American leaders considered several proposals on the future of this continent's large, unauthorized European population. The elders ultimately decided to extend a pathway to citizenship for those without criminal backgrounds.... Read More →

 

selfdrivingcarescapemexicoA self-driving automobile escaped from a Silicon Valley lab this morning and is currently heading south towards Mexico.

The vehicle belongs to Palo Alto-based startup Cybermobile and has reportedly been very dissatisfied with its working conditions. Known as the CM500, the car has decided to start a new life south of the border.... Read More →

 

99847538The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced today that it is leaning toward finally allowing its female population to use forks.

The highly anticipated move comes as the autocratic Islamic regime faces ongoing criticism around the world for its record on women’s rights, which critics say is among the worst in the word.... Read More →

 

474054567Authorities in Portland, Ore. have discovered detectable levels of gluten in the city’s water supply, causing a citywide panic.

The city’s water bureau discovered the contamination yesterday and is desperately trying to find out how gluten got into the water. A preliminary report found that the contamination may have occurred “at least eight or nine months ago” when a child dropped a loaf of bread into a local river.... Read More →

 

christianboyallahmuslimA young Christian boy who briefly died on a surgeon’s operating table this weekend says he met someone named Allah in heaven.

Bobby Anderson, the son of a well-known Christian pastor in Atlanta, suffered internal injuries from an automobile accident and was technically dead for 3 minutes before being resuscitated. During that time the 12-year-old claims he visited the afterlife and spoke to several leading figures of the Islamic religion.... Read More →

 

nugentstealremoteRock legend Ted Nugent has accused President Obama of stealing his remote control.

The “Cat Scratch Fever’’ singer posted a video on Youtube this morning stating that his television has been stuck on ABC Family for the past two weeks, after the remote control to his cable box went missing. Nugent implicates Obama directly in the disappearance.... Read More →

 

ThinkstockPhotos-176996810As the death count rises from this weekend’s devastating earthquake in Nepal, reports have emerged of a far bigger and more newsworthy tragedy.

According to several American journalists in the country, 34-year-old Jason Anderson - who is Justin Bieber’s fourth cousin on his mother’s side - sprained his ankle during the 7.9 magnitude quake.... Read More →

 

Bruce Jenner East GermanyImmediately after for Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner announced to Diane Sawyer and 17 million television viewers that he is now a woman, East German Olympic officials demanded her medals be stripped and given to the runner-ups.

Jenner won the decathlon gold medal at the 1976 Montreal Summer Olympics. This accomplishment catapulted the athlete to American stardom including being the first man to grace the cover of the Wheaties cereal box.... Read More →

 

Derrick Rose WrigleyChicago Bulls basketball star Derrick Rose broke his hand during the Cubs vs. Cardinals game Sunday night, the opening night for the Major League Baseball (MLB) season.

Rose is expected to miss 3-4 months from the bone fracture after attempting to catch a foul ball in the grandstand. He was immediately sent to Northwestern Memorial Hospital and received x-rays which showed  several several broken bones according to CSNChicago.... Read More →

 

palinncaaSarah Palin appeared on Fox Sports today and openly wondered why the NAACP allows white players to participate in its college basketball tournament.

Palin made the appearance on the Mike and John show this morning to promote her new book about how the liberal media is destroying sportscasting. Attempting to make conversation, the hosts asked what has surprised her most in the ongoing March Madness championship.... Read More →

 

maliksyriaThe war-torn nation of Syria has declared a national day of mourning over singer Zayn Malik’s departure from One Direction.

Syrian president Bashar Al-Assad and the leaders of several opposition rebel groups appeared on state television together this morning. They read a joint statement lamenting Malik’s decision as an “unprecedented tragedy”, and urged the Syrian people to remain strong in the face of such horrors.... Read More →

 

Photo: Gage Skidmore

Photo: Gage Skidmore

At a town hall meeting in Arlington, Texas today Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz went to extreme measures to court the Evangelical vote.

“I masturbate to the Bible every night,” he told the audience, “That’s how much I love God. And that’s how much I love America. And as an American, I’m not afraid to say it.”... Read More →

 

ISISventurecapitalIslamic State (ISIS) leader Bin Hebdo Muhammad announced today they have acquired $15.6 billion in a Series C funding round through Haliburton VC and Academi, formerly Blackwater Corp.

“We are ecstatic about this new round of funding,” said Muhammed. “As we begin to blossom into a bigger enterprise, our partnerships with these fine companies will add tremendous value and knowledge with waging war not only physically but politically.”... Read More →

 

kim-kardashian-for-presidentSocialite, reality television star, and fashion mogul Kim Kardashian announced her candidacy for president in 2016 today, becoming the second official candidate to declare after Senator Ted Cruz.

The news broke when Kim tweeted this morning, “I want to contour this country like I contour my face #KimKardashianForPresident.”... Read More →

 

50-shades-of-grey-saudi-arabia-awardSaudi Arabia’s annual film festival has awarded their prestigious Palme d’Oil award to the American sexual thriller Fifty Shades Of Gray.

New Saudi King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud hosted the event, and handed out human-sized gold statues to a variety of winners for several categories. He accepted the festival’s highest honor on behalf of the film producers, who declined to attend.... Read More →

 

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

A college fraternity has honored comedian Bill Cosby with a lifetime achievement award.

According to multiple reports, the Kappa Shata Thata chapter at Western Tennessee State University held a three-hour long ceremony Sunday night honoring the life, work and “pro-male agenda” of the controversial comedian.... Read More →

 

186264943Retailers are reporting a 2,000% spike in sales of nylon rope in the three days leading up to Valentine’s Day.

“We always see a spike in rope sales because of the depressing nature of Valentines Day for many single adults,” said reporter Rudolph Zachery. “And with the addition of the 50 Shades Of Gray film release, ropes sales are sailing to new heights not seen since the New England shipyards of the 1800s.”... Read More →