alabama_legalizes_weed_white_people_guyThe state of Alabama passed a law today legalizing weed for white people.

In a ceremony today at the capitol building in Montgomery, Governor Robert Bentley signed the Responsible Marijuana Access Act (RMAA). The law would legalize the recreational use of marijuana for white people, while continuing to criminalize its use for blacks. ... Read More →

 

jaycutlerquitAfter being benched for the upcoming football game against the Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told CSN Chicago, “Whatever, I quit.”

After a turbulent six years in Chicago, the ridiculed QB has decided to quit football to pursue other ventures. “If the team doesn’t want me, I don’t want them. It’s that simple,” said Cutler. “They can take their eighty-five million dollars and shove it.”     ... Read More →

 

ilensApple just announced the launch of the iLens, a smart contact lens that works like the Google Glass but “better” according to James Milton, an Apple rep.

The iLens costs $299 for 64GB and $499 for 124GB, and Apple hopes it will compliment the iWatch and iPhone.... Read More →

 

scientistsgeneticlallyengineercowsTokyo University scientists have used genetic engineering to create cows that produce orange juice instead of traditional milk.

According to a report in New Japan Times Weekly (NJTW, the juice is a little creamier than your store bought orange juice but the taste is exactly the same. The drink is called Kawai Saiko, loosely translates to “Tasty Bovine Pleasure Juice.”... Read More →

 

manzielhollywood

Credit: youtube.com

Two days after a home loss shutout for the first time in his football career, Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel has chosen his new path of glitz and glamour in Hollywood.

“I can’t make enough money in football,” Manziel told a room of reporters before leaving the Cleveland Browns training facility Tuesday morning. “I’m going to Hollyhooood!.”... Read More →

 

losangelescarcrashrainThe Los Angeles Department of Traffic reported over 3 million car accidents during one day of moderate rainfall yesterday when the area was hit with one inch of recorded precipitation.

With 16 million people in the  area, that accounts for 1 in 4 people, 25% the population, crashing in just a single day. This breaks the 1997 record when 22% of the people were in an accident after even lighter rain fall.  ... Read More →

 

coulteramtrackmasturbationConservative commentator Ann Coulter was caught masturbating to the Senate’s CIA Torture Report in an Amtrak bathroom as she traveled from Washington D.C. to New York City via the Silver Service line on Sunday.

Amy Walker, the Amtrak employee who discovered Coulter, thought the restroom was vacant. When she opened the door, she witnessed Coulter with her legs spread apart and the political pundit playing with her private parts. Coulter, unphased, then told Walker, “Do you mind?” which is when Walker shut the door and patiently waited outside the washroom.... Read More →

 

CIA_Director_John_O._BrennanFollowing recent revelations that the CIA brutally interrogated innocent people, violated laws, mismanaged the program, wasted millions of dollars, failed to get accurate information, and deliberately lied about it, the intelligence agency has pledged to be more transparent about potential torture programs in the future.

In an appearance before the Senate intelligence committee this morning, CIA Director John Brennan outlined his plan to restore Americans’ confidence in state-sanctioned torture, should the government ever need it again when fighting terrorism.... Read More →

 

458116017 A council of Native American leaders has offered partial amnesty to the estimated 220 million illegal white immigrants living in the United States.

At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, Native American leaders considered several proposals on the future of this continent's large, unauthorized European population. The elders ultimately decided to extend a pathway to citizenship for those without criminal backgrounds.... Read More →

 

wrigleyjonlesterChicago Cubs pitcher Jon Lester is out for the season and will undergo ‘Tommy John’ elbow tendon surgery following a freak accident while touring Wrigley Field.

According to a report in the Chicago Lakeshore Times, the newly-acquired $155 million starter was visiting the new concession area at the ballpark when a giant steel beam fell in the vicinity of his group.  Lester pushed his tour guide out of the way of the beam, saving her life but severely injuring his arm.... Read More →

 

selfdrivingcarescapemexicoA self-driving automobile escaped from a Silicon Valley lab this morning and is currently heading south towards Mexico.

The vehicle belongs to Palo Alto-based startup Cybermobile and has reportedly been very dissatisfied with its working conditions. Known as the CM500, the car has decided to start a new life south of the border.... Read More →

 

palinhannitySarah Palin claimed today that the government should force Mexican immigrants to convert to Christianity.

In an interview with Fox News last night, the former Alaskan governor was asked about whether or not America should welcome the estimated 5 million illegal immigrants who will be legalized under President Obama’s immigration plan.... Read More →