Politics

 

maliksyriaThe war-torn nation of Syria has declared a national day of mourning over singer Zayn Malik’s departure from One Direction.

Syrian president Bashar Al-Assad and the leaders of several opposition rebel groups appeared on state television together this morning. They read a joint statement lamenting Malik’s decision as an “unprecedented tragedy”, and urged the Syrian people to remain strong in the face of such horrors.... Read More →

 

Photo: Gage Skidmore

Photo: Gage Skidmore

At a town hall meeting in Arlington, Texas today Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz went to extreme measures to court the Evangelical vote.

“I masturbate to the Bible every night,” he told the audience, “That’s how much I love God. And that’s how much I love America. And as an American, I’m not afraid to say it.”... Read More →

 

ISISventurecapitalIslamic State (ISIS) leader Bin Hebdo Muhammad announced today they have acquired $15.6 billion in a Series C funding round through Haliburton VC and Academi, formerly Blackwater Corp.

“We are ecstatic about this new round of funding,” said Muhammed. “As we begin to blossom into a bigger enterprise, our partnerships with these fine companies will add tremendous value and knowledge with waging war not only physically but politically.”... Read More →

 

kim-kardashian-for-presidentSocialite, reality television star, and fashion mogul Kim Kardashian announced her candidacy for president in 2016 today, becoming the second official candidate to declare after Senator Ted Cruz.

The news broke when Kim tweeted this morning, “I want to contour this country like I contour my face #KimKardashianForPresident.”... Read More →

 

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

A college fraternity has honored comedian Bill Cosby with a lifetime achievement award.

According to multiple reports, the Kappa Shata Thata chapter at Western Tennessee State University held a three-hour long ceremony Sunday night honoring the life, work and “pro-male agenda” of the controversial comedian.... Read More →

 

Divisional Playoffs - Houston Texans v New England PatriotsNew England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has contracted the measles virus during his team's Super Bowl celebration trip to Disneyland.

According to local reports,  Brady started to have a slight fever and began to show dots on his arms shortly after arriving at Disneyland. The Super Bowl MVP missed the celebration to go home to his Beverly Hills mansion to sleep.... Read More →

 

texas_drops_geographyBeginning in the fall of 2015, the state of Texas will no longer teach geography as a part of its public school curriculum.

The money saved from teaching geography will go to new initiatives to teach youngsters how to hunt and properly use firearms.... Read More →

 

ted_cruz_neaderthal_DNATed Cruz got more than he bargained for when he agreed to make public his genetic data from the popular genomics website 23 and Me.

The Texas senator had the tests done as a political stunt, hoping to burnish his science credentials ahead of the 2016 presidential race. However, the strategy backfired dramatically when the results revealed that Cruz’s DNA is 82 percent Neanderthal.... Read More →

 

459239937Today the Australian government officially named Pope Francis as Australian of the Year.

According to a press release on the Ministry of Arts website, the Holy Father was personally chosen for the 2014 honor by Prime Minister Tony Abbott and has been invited to an awards ceremony in Melbourne on March 17.... Read More →

 

178280934Republicans in Congress have decided to rebrand the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline as “Freedom Juice Highway.”

The pipeline would take oil from Canadian tar sands and deliver it to multiple locations in the United States. Environmentalists are opposed the construction of such new pipelines, and Obama has vowed to veto the bill when it reaches his desk.... Read More →

 

041414_bachmann_819Michele Bachmann claimed today that Muslims invented global warming in hopes of weakening the American economy before a full-scale jihadi invasion.

In an interview with Fox Business this morning, the former congresswoman from Minnesota was asked her opinion on the recent report that 2014 was the warmest year on record, a fact most scientists believe is linked to human-induced climate change.... Read More →

 

isis_student_debtThe Islamic State (ISIS) is offering to pay 100 percent of student college debt in return for joining their army. The program is aimed at Americans who are disgruntled about their debt load and lack of jobs in their specific fields of study.

ISIS spokesman Haji Mutazz told Al Jazeera, “You become debt free and fight in the name of Allah at the same time. Great deal for everyone. You fight, we pay for your philosophy major.”  ... Read More →